I did something tonight that I haven’t done in a long time. I took a bath.
I added TerrAmazon Bath Tea. Toward the end, when I achieved relaxation and was ready to let the water drain, I held perfectly still.
I realized the literal act bore symbolic significance. I was wallowing. I looked at the reflection in the still water. I was reflecting. But I noticed the reflection was never steady. It pulsated. I realized, while I held as still as I could, my heartbeat was sending a ripple through the reflection.
Like water, is air. Wherever I might stand, my heartbeat must similarly move the air, and send a ripple out. Who knows where it lands and what it might affect. And then, billions of hearts beating against subtly moving bodies, also moving the air.
Is it narcissistic to think, “I matter”? Is it nihilistic to think, “I don’t matter”?
I don’t know the answer. So I wallow and reflect. Half our lives are spent waiting. Or dormant.
I think the only right question is, “How can I matter more?”
I want to celebrate when I see the Gate. I want to flash back through all my achievements and none of my regrets. I want to have the chance and presence of mind to say, “Take me, I’m ready” (like I did when I thought I was drowning in 1997).
I’ve already lived a damn good life. What do I want 70 more years for? I’m not sure, but I’m a seeker. My lust will never be satiated and my thirst for adventure will never be quenched, as much as society wants me to settle down. That wasn’t my youth; that was my character.
I guess I’ll keep going as long as I can. I don’t tolerate monotony well. So, bring on the change. Bring a big chance. Bring a wetsuit. Bring a partner—or now, the two who complete me—husband and child.